Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health

It is OK to not be OK

Hello wonderful humans, I know it has been a minute since my last (and regrettably my only) post thus far. You see I had all these plans of all the beautiful and fun things I was going to write and share with you all. I was (and still am) excited to share my experiences, my thoughts, and my advice on working through all the crap that life throws at you. Ironically though, life has had other plans. It has taken me on a different path for a while and I am finally able to migrate slowly back to “neutral” and realign myself with my goals with a stronger focus.

I wanted today’s post to be a big kick off, something that is near and dear to my heart, especially as it is National Mental Health Day but as I sat down to try and write, I kept hitting a wall.  I wanted so badly to share a piece of my heart today,  to share my own mental health journey but quite frankly I am just too TIRED. I have suffered from Anxiety and Depression for the majority of my life and have spent the last two years re-training my brain to respond differently to stressful situations, to learn my “triggers” and how to love myself through the good but more importantly the bad. The thing is though, that even after two years of work, bad days still happen.

So many good yet stressful changes have occurred in my life over the last month and today those stresses have caught up with me. So instead of me continuing to wrack my brain over what to share with you all and how to write it in a cohesive manner, all I am going to say is that it is OK to have bad days sometimes. It is OK to have days where “normal” activities are just too much to bear, and it is OK to feel whatever it is you’re feeling (even if what you are feeling is nothing). But while you are having that bad day, as hard as it may be, remind yourself that you are loved, that not only are you worthy of feeling joy again but that you are actually CAPABLE of feeling that joy.

Two years ago I didn’t believe I could feel joy again. I remember telling my husband that I needed help, that I couldn’t bear the numbness anymore and that I was just so TIRED of feeling like I had to constantly fight off the darkness in the back of my brain. And honestly, even though I shared that I needed help, I was so deep down my own rabbit hole that I didn’t think it would help. I wholeheartedly believed that I was too far gone and that I wouldn’t make it to my 25th birthday. Yet I put the effort in and found a person who I could fully open up to (who didn’t want to focus on my past, but on my future instead), I worked hard to expand my support system, and I fought each day to get myself into a better place. What I am trying to say is that, it is OK to have a bad day, but don’t let that bad day stop you from fighting to find your joy.

So even though I feel the urge to curl up in bed and wallow in my feelings today I am reminding myself that this sadness is temporary. It’s OK for me to have a bad day today and I can acknowledge that my feelings are valid, but I no longer want to live in my sadness like it is a second skin. Instead of shutting out the world so I no longer feel sad, I am going to practice one of my many self care activities that brings me joy. I am going to lean against my support system and remember that while today may be a bad day, tomorrow is a new day.

So to all those people who are having a bad day today, my heart goes out to you. I am sending big bear hugs through the internet in your direction today.

Brianna

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