Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health

It is OK to not be OK

Hello wonderful humans, I know it has been a minute since my last (and regrettably my only) post thus far. You see I had all these plans of all the beautiful and fun things I was going to write and share with you all. I was (and still am) excited to share my experiences, my thoughts, and my advice on working through all the crap that life throws at you. Ironically though, life has had other plans. It has taken me on a different path for a while and I am finally able to migrate slowly back to “neutral” and realign myself with my goals with a stronger focus.

I wanted today’s post to be a big kick off, something that is near and dear to my heart, especially as it is National Mental Health Day but as I sat down to try and write, I kept hitting a wall.  I wanted so badly to share a piece of my heart today,  to share my own mental health journey but quite frankly I am just too TIRED. I have suffered from Anxiety and Depression for the majority of my life and have spent the last two years re-training my brain to respond differently to stressful situations, to learn my “triggers” and how to love myself through the good but more importantly the bad. The thing is though, that even after two years of work, bad days still happen.

So many good yet stressful changes have occurred in my life over the last month and today those stresses have caught up with me. So instead of me continuing to wrack my brain over what to share with you all and how to write it in a cohesive manner, all I am going to say is that it is OK to have bad days sometimes. It is OK to have days where “normal” activities are just too much to bear, and it is OK to feel whatever it is you’re feeling (even if what you are feeling is nothing). But while you are having that bad day, as hard as it may be, remind yourself that you are loved, that not only are you worthy of feeling joy again but that you are actually CAPABLE of feeling that joy.

Two years ago I didn’t believe I could feel joy again. I remember telling my husband that I needed help, that I couldn’t bear the numbness anymore and that I was just so TIRED of feeling like I had to constantly fight off the darkness in the back of my brain. And honestly, even though I shared that I needed help, I was so deep down my own rabbit hole that I didn’t think it would help. I wholeheartedly believed that I was too far gone and that I wouldn’t make it to my 25th birthday. Yet I put the effort in and found a person who I could fully open up to (who didn’t want to focus on my past, but on my future instead), I worked hard to expand my support system, and I fought each day to get myself into a better place. What I am trying to say is that, it is OK to have a bad day, but don’t let that bad day stop you from fighting to find your joy.

So even though I feel the urge to curl up in bed and wallow in my feelings today I am reminding myself that this sadness is temporary. It’s OK for me to have a bad day today and I can acknowledge that my feelings are valid, but I no longer want to live in my sadness like it is a second skin. Instead of shutting out the world so I no longer feel sad, I am going to practice one of my many self care activities that brings me joy. I am going to lean against my support system and remember that while today may be a bad day, tomorrow is a new day.

So to all those people who are having a bad day today, my heart goes out to you. I am sending big bear hugs through the internet in your direction today.

Brianna

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Introductions

I have always wanted to have my own blog but there was always a very big issue getting in my way.

I never liked them.

Weird? Yeah I know, it has been this double edged sword I have been juggling for a while. I have always loved everything that blogging provides (reading, writing, personal life stories, etc.) yet I never seemed to connect with them. Hell I have had a few “failed” blogs that I just stopped working on because I just didn’t feel it after a month or two anymore. Poppy and Pomegranate has been my baby for the last year and a half, and during that time it has constantly evolved. I have wanted it to be many things but the one thing that has always remained is that I wanted to function as a place to provide resources to others; to help encourage others to live a more fulfilling life and to have a space to discuss the little things that bring joy to not just my life but everyone else’s too.

Yet from the beginning something had held me back from launching this site. This is something that has been important to me for so long and I wanted to make sure that when I did take that first step forward I didn’t want to make the mistakes of the past. But I could never seem to figure out why things would feel out of sorts so soon into my forays into blogging and why I hate reading other blogs because like I said, they have everything that I really love.  Recently though the light bulb above my head finally turned on and I had the clarity I needed to write this post and take that first step.

I had been thinking about the people around me on a regular basis and how they  portray themselves to the world. Not just the “social media vs. real world” but with how they portray themselves in different social situations, how they talk about their job, their passions, and their beliefs. I began wondering why some of these people, while being incredibly kind, just drove me nuts (and quite honestly brought the same annoyance level as when I read some blogs)! I realized my reaction to these interactions where due to feeling like these individuals came off as disingenuous and unauthentic. They appeared to have this desire to constantly prove that they were happy, evolved, and intelligent human being. It is not that they are none of those things, because many of them are BUT the attempt to constantly show those around them that those things are in fact true is exhausting to listen to. Because let’s be real, not everything that comes out of your mouth needs be something profound and meaningful that is worthy of being documented as a pinterest quote.

This realization however made me acknowledge that this is where my previous blogs failed though. I became so obsessed with being a “picture perfect” blogger in the area’s that I talked about; I felt like I had hit the ground running and immediately be on the same level as some very experienced vloggers an bloggers (did I mentioned I had wanted to do youtube too at one point?). Every post had to be perfect, had to “move” people, and be worthy of sharing on the internet. It was EXHAUSTING. Imagine my surprise when I couldn’t live up the unrealistic expectations that I had set for myself and “faking it until making it” was not an option. Something intended to be fun and exciting became a chore. But instead of being kind to myself and letting my blog grow with me, I just stopped.

I don’t want to say this blog is my next attempt, because this blog is not going to be another attempt but instead is a new journey for me. I cannot promise that it will not evolve and change over time just as I evolve and change and I cannot promise that I wont try and post some motivational stuff from time to time. What I can promise you though is each post will be authentically me while talking about a wide variety of topics. My hope is that by sharing the things that bring me joy, the steps I have taken to be in a better mental and physical space, and anything else in between will help another person and bring more joy into the world.

I am excited for this new chapter and want to say thank you in advance for joining me on it!

Brianna